The Fourth will Always be with Me

When you told me how you liked me to dress, I obeyed.

When you didn't acknowledge my inner beauty, I felt ugly. 

When you told me my dreams were unrealistic, I woke up.

                                                                                                    Did you ever stop to think maybe you were being unrealistic?

Fourths are when I remember warmth.
It was the type of warmth that led to an unexpected sunburn.
I can still feel my skin healing from the beautiful, yet damaging rays.
Fourths will always make me smile.
Fourths will also send chills down my spine and remind me:
Wear sunscreen every day.

What if?

What if there was an eight day? What would you do with it?

What if a heaven truly does exist? Would you become a better person?

What if you went to sleep earlier? Would those dark circles under your eyes disappear?

What if you had an extra limb? Which would you clone?

What if Earth traveled clockwise? How would we refer to the rise and set of the sun and moon?

What if your pets could speak? What do you think is the first thing they would say to you?

What if teleportation existed? Where would you travel to first?

What if Trump becomes president? Would you continue to live in this country?

What if people always went through with doing things they said they'd do? Would that make human beings dedicated or dangerous?

Wanted - short film

I've been M.I.A. with writing on this platform for quite some time. But I have a good reason! I've been dedicating my time to perfecting this short film I made with the help of colleagues. Please share any questions, thoughts, and critiques by either commenting below, or on YouTube.

Upon putting this idea on paper, I was hesitant to turn it into a short film for many reasons. One of my biggest fears was people judging me, or questioning my motives for producing risqué material. But throughout this entire production, I relinquished these fears (on and away from the set) by creating something I could be proud of.

After failing at her own game of simple infatuation, a promiscuous young woman discovers that she wants more than a short-lived relationship.

Whether you know someone like them or are these people, I think we can all relate to each of these characters in some way.

Act as loud as you speak

Dear Me,

Act as loud as you speak. Your mouth may have shrunk, but your mind is full of substance, more than ever before. It cannot be silenced or restrained like your teeth. And even though you have interesting thoughts and processes, you aren't doing much besides amplifying your words. Yes, you write, you read, you think, you feel--but what are you doing to get to the next level? What are you doing to take your creativity beyond ideas? How will you make them real and visible? You gripe about limitations, but you aren't doing much to break the boundaries. Oh, don't forget how good you are at crossing the line. So then: why are you so afraid of taking risks with something that you value so much? You constantly tell yourself to be happy; you are practicing to put yourself first; you remind yourself that you have so much potential; others even remind you of your worth. So why are you holding back? Why are you holding back an art form--your forms of expression--that so many have difficulty conveying? You are a good observer. You take great mental notes (even though you sometimes disregard important details and overthink others). Your vision is accurate. So don't let your peripherals take center stage. Leave them on the sidelines and focus on what you truly want for yourself. Distractions are fun, but they can also be deadly if you sit with them too long. Remember that. In the beginning, you had this idea of turning your passions into a profession. Rekindle that initial motivation from deep within you. The one that made your heart beat a little faster, the one that made you smile without uttering a word. It's still alive. But you aren't doing a great job of feeding it, caring for it, or loving it. But it can't live in a cage forever. You will need to educate it, show it off, teach it new tricks and practice them. Be patient but not static.

-Sincerely,
The realNESS in Me.

Ubiquitous as the California Sun

Some days, you are the sun in my side and rearview mirror. I can feel the heat of you permeate onto the back of my neck. 

And when I drive against you, your burning desire is painfully rested on my chest. I pull down the visor, but I am too short for it to shade even my eyes, so I squint as I try to look past you, pretending as if it doesn't bother me.

Your shine and rays are beautiful, but so much has become cancerous. Overzealous warmth has become irritating and discomforting. 

When I begged for rain and clouds, I received. But like the California sun, clouds and rain don't last very long. And no matter which way I travel, your seeking admiration and desperation will always find me. I can only beg for shade, but please, don't make me beg.

I can do happy all by myself

A few weeks ago, I was listening to the radio on my way home from school. In that moment I wasn't thinking it would have anything to do with me; as if the meat of the conversation wasn't going to get me through a tough time.

But it did. I was meant to be driving in that exact moment. It was fate.

I was listening to kCRW on 89.9FM, an NPR station. It's the only talk radio that fascinates me on Frequency Modulation. AM is pretty cool, but listening to mostly static, isn't.

[I can remember first coming across this station after I had scanned through the entire tuner, as my mom does. It had been a Friday night when I decided to take a shortcut home from work. As shortcuts typically work, it had taken me 3x longer to get home. YES, I  had been pissed sitting at the intersection while the light had taunted me with its green glow, round after round. But I had remained surprisingly calm because I was listening to a personal short story about a Cuban American recalling a heartfelt moment that he had shared with his reticent father. For once, traffic had been a good thing; i had given my attention to this guy's story, uninterrupted.

So every Friday after that, I would tune to this station. But I had made sure to take the normal route home, and if I got to my house, and if the segment wasn't over,  I'd sit in my car until the story finished. It wasn't until later that I had realized I was only listening to a single program--which was a fragment of everything that was aired on the station. I learned to be patient in understanding the current events discussed. Even the foreign ones. There, I had also been exposed to new restaurants, breaking news, and overseas issues.]

The host of this segment was talking about relationships, so naturally, I turned up the volume. He and his co-host, the "expert," were discussing their theories as to why we seek partnership, and/or comfort in other people.

I listened closer. The expert said we have been taught all our life to seek a life partner or a significant other because life cannot live without each other. Part of me wanted to agree, but part of me was also angry at this socially constructed belief. 

She then continued by saying some variation of this: "Truth is, we don't need someone else to feel a sense of fulfillment." We all have biological needs, it's true. But I've come to understand that seeking comfort in another person won't fill any voids we have within ourselves. Especially as a young woman, elder generations expect us to settle down with a partner soon, and eventually have kids. But what if we put ourselves first by educating ourselves, and explore the depths of our minds? We have to find something that makes us happy, something we can accomplish alone to dodge that lonesome feeling. It's like completing a project: it's usually worth the blood, sweat, and tears when you do it all by yourself. I want to love myself before I decide to love another person--or further, share my life with them. I'm learning to do things independently. It's not easy. In fact, it's scary and uncomfortable. But after listening to the radio that day, I realized I don't need a boyfriend to establish happiness, self-worth, or self-identity. Besides, a partnership should be about both you and another person; it's not a one-way relationship. I was treating it like it was. And that wasn't fair. 

Don't get me wrong, I would like to find Mr. Right, or Mr. Right for Me, but right now, I want to concentrate on making myself happy; I shouldn't leave my emotions in the hands of other people. Being single has given me the time and leeway to focus on my career goals, improve my editing skills, write, find inspiration, and spend more time with people that enjoy the same things I do. 

Mid-week dilemmas

It's Thursday, which means it's practically Friday, and therefore the weekend is basically here. For once, I felt the week drag on, whereas it usually flies by. Maybe all my misfortunes and displacement was the cause of static in my week. It all began Saturday with my study session at Starbucks. I met this nice guy who had a straight baby face but still was bold enough to point out how young I looked. After asking about my interests in school, he told me he was working on his Masters for Engineering--already we had nothing in common. When I least expected it, I found myself writing down my phone number on the right margin of his homework. At first, I thought it was an innocent act. I had assumed it was for collaboration purposes. May I remind you again: we had nothing but age range in common. Not until I got in my car did I realize what I had done. I was so embarrassed and frustrated with myself. "I'm such a tease and a push-over," I thought. "Why didn't I politely squeeze in the fact that I have a boyfriend?" My naïveté with guys has always been bad. Just as bad as my flirtation radar: always failing to pick up signal.

On my way to the hospital to visit my close friend who had recently given birth that morning, I prayed the Starbucks Guy wouldn't try contacting me.That night, as I hung out with my boyfriend, an unknown number text me. I knew exactly who it was as both our eyes glanced at my phone. There was no justification for him texting me, so I panicked. Like any bad liar, I acted like I hadn't a clue as to who it was. "Maybe it's an accidental text...I don't know who this is," I said. 

My boyfriend looked at me with one-hundred percent doubt, "Hmm, are you sure?" I was freaking out at that point.  But I coolly responded, "Yeah. I wasn't texting anyone before you got here." (Even though that part was true, I knew exactly who the sender was.) Since I had no intensions of responding, I brushed the situation under the rug and acted my normal self. But apparently acting "normal" was a sign of suspicious behavior that night. 

Today is Thursday. Let's just say emotions have been a little sensitive between us since Saturday. I'm not sure if I should admit my undisclosed encounter (which to him is automatic infidelity) and somehow turn it into a funny story, or if I should not mention anything at all since I didn't pursue any further actions with that Starbucks Guy.

I honestly fell into an alluring pit with the Starbucks Guy that sat across from me while I had been studying. It had been a while since I last felt genuinely admired, or even noticed. It made me feel vivacious and vibrant about my existence: an emotion I thought was extinct. Is it wrong for someone to feel that way? Although rhetorical, I will state no. My only wish is to feel this way all the time by the person that means so much to me.