Why Don't You Wear Any Make Up?

I'm afraid my face will break out. I might have another allergic reaction—a spectacle similar to the one I woke up to the day of my graduation. I can't afford the expensive stuff. I don't know how to apply it to my face without looking like a birthday cake. I don't want to look dead when you catch me not wearing any. I'd rather do something more productive with my time, like sleep in, or make my hair look decent. 

If she hadn't been a 5-year-old, I would have given her at least one of these reasons when my friend's daughter asked me, with a face similar to the picture above, "Why don't you wear any make up?" 

While she waited eagerly for a response, I looked at my brother's girlfriend and noticed her delicate line of eyeliner. As dumbfounded as we both had been, she giggled at the girl's quizzical expression. So I turned to my right. But with the entire bottle of mascara weighed throughout my younger cousin's lashes, no hope remained. I reverted my attention back in front of me where the little girl stood staring up at me. I gave her my best 5-year-old comeback and said, "Well ,neither do you." To that, she said, "Tha'th cuth my daddy won't let me." Fair enough.

Later that night she had me thinking. Why don't I wear make up most days? I would like to look pretty all the time, not just some times. I think I've convinced myself that I don't need to rely on my face to feel beautiful. And the curiosity of a little girl shouldn't make me doubt my beliefs...but it did. 

Although it was hilarious to be taken aback by an honest child, at that moment I wished I had thrown on my barely-there make up routine: lightly dab my face with foundation, wing my eyes with eyeliner, stroke two rounds of mascara onto my upper lashes, define my sparse brows, and top it off with my translucent powder. (As much as I'm not a fan of focusing full attention on facial appearances, I wouldn't want to be a "butter-face" either!)

What was it about a 5-year-old's interrogation that struck me more than my mom's constant rant about not wearing make up? Don't get me wrong, I love how it looks on most women who wear it. I just wonder how the average ones learned how to put it on and know what works best without breaking their bank. 

I've watched countless tutorials on YouTube, and have learned a couple tricks from my mom (because we have similar bone structures and eye shapes),  But the one thing I have failed at—due to my lack of products—is highlighting and contouring my face. I wish there was someone who could easily teach me which drugstore products would work best on my complexion and how to go about applying it without looking too overdone. I have to admit, there are days when I get tired of seeing the peach-fuzz on my cheeks (haha).

Thou Shall Live a Little

These past few weeks have come down on me hard. Although some really great things have happened, tragic events have also occurred. (Why does the bad have to outweigh the good?) After mopping around and making myself useless, I told myself, something is out there for you in this world. You just have to go out and find it. So I've convinced myself to believe that nothing bad's happening to me. It;s just life; life is what's happening to me. And the only way to beth through it is to live through it. I want to experience so many things, but I allow timing, shyness, and most of all, money to be barriers.

Because I budget my wallet so tightly, most of my hard-earned money is spent on paying off my loans and other bills. I see myself more as a saver than a spender. But how can you experience anything if all you do is save and avoid using what you've earned? It's like, what is so important that you are saving everything for? I guess I avoid wasting money because I worry too much about the future and the results of my actions. It's as if I won't have enough for a house of my own, enough money to sustain a decent life.

A while back, my mom shared some advice with me that her boss drilled into her: You shouldn't work with the mentality of having to pay things off. It's so negative. Have a goal in mind, and work hard so you can have the thing it is you want.

Although I still believe there are many things you can do without spending a fortune, there are just a few things you can do without any money at all. Recently, when I was with some friends, I realized money was in fact a necessity to have fun. Obviously I wouldn't want to go out and spend daily, but doing it more often might be good for me! Besides, what better time is there to live newfound carefree experiences than now?

Without labeling them with their expenses--or having any at all, let me see if I can step out of my comfort zone and manage to fulfill this summer's bucket list (in no particular order):

1. Find a new car

2. Visit beaches I haven't been to before

3. Go to Six Flags

4. Read new books

5. Get a massage

6. Visit museums in Los Angeles

7. Go hiking/explore nature

8. Watch new movies at a movie theater

9. Begin a veggie garden 

10. Go dancing

11. Bake from scratch for the fun of it

12. Learn how to cook

13. Watch a Dodgers game this season
14. Take a trip up north and visit Alcatraz Island
15. Try out a new restaurant

I'm falling apart inside...Literally!

Maybe it's a mental thing. Maybe it's not as bad as it seems. Maybe it could be worse. Maybe I'm being initiated into real life--real freaking fast. The man upstairs is probably testing me to see how well I can handle myself as a true adult. I'm 22, yet, I still live with my parents, hardly pay any bills, and still have a curfew. I'm still dumbfounded at the fact that my mom had just moved into her own house, was married, and pregnant with her second child at my age. Naturally, she became more mature at my age than I am now. (But I think she was always that type of person: a topic I'll get into once I'm more comfortable with blogging.)

Current mood: stressed (physically and mentally). 

Current location: not on ground level (physically and mentally).

And both are problematic. I keep telling myself I need to relax and fix my problems one thing at a time. Instead, I take everything as a whole and make the situations worse than they really are. I'm not trying to make my problems seem minute nor condescend these matters, because even though it’s been confirmed that my car is a total loss, I might have to find my own car insurance, I went to the chiropractor and felt uneasy being there, and I falsified information, there is definitely some light in all of this.

I paid $4900 for the car I totaled two weeks ago. My insurance is paying me $6200 to pay off the car so I can get a new one. The insurance man said to see the situation as if I had a free car from the time I bought it. Although I wished they could just fix it, it is “irreparably damaged.” Apparently, the cost to fix my car would be more than the car is worth. I still think that’s a lie. I believe they just want to keep it and fix it so they can sell it for more money. On the brighter side, I made a little over a thousand dollars. Hopefully that can get me a newer model.

As for the chiropractor, I should have listened to my mom. (Why, oh why are mothers always right?) She specifically told me not to sign any papers at the doctor’s office…yet I did anyways. The doctor said even for a consultation, they require patients to fill out the necessary documents for records. And he reassured me that they would be shredded if I decided to not come back.  After filling them out, I was examined and he said, “Did you want me to do work on you?” “I have no money on me,” I answered sheepishly. “That’s okay. I will take care of you at no cost. But maybe we can work something out.” Like an ignorant bimbo, I said, "okay." He cracked and massaged my body, but I ended up in the same amount of pain, as well as soreness, as when I went in. ...Moral of this story, I was scared beyond words. Only terrifying thoughts ran through my mind. I thought of telling this incident in detail, but I'd rather create a short story based on this incident. It's been a while since I wrote fiction.