I am afraid of making life-changing decisions, afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone, but most of all, afraid of living with results I won't like. The funny thing is that I always want to peak out of the window that reveals opportunity and thrill, but I'm never ready enough to go outside and involve myself. When I tell someone I write, it's easy to say. When they ask about what, I become a padlock and I don't know why!
But this year WILL be different. This year will be the year I fulfill the very thing inside of me that wants to experience newness and go into those dark places and still be able to come out alive with a story to tell. And I will be proud of what I do, regardless of how absurd it seems.
No lie, I've written inside my head every day. Because my work went unpublished, the ideas faded and became distorted. So I guess keeping a pen and paper or my phone on me at all times will have to be a must.
UPDATES:
I got a job! (Although it was far from what I wanted, it pays the bills.)
I've opened myself to loving whole-heartedly.
I began attending community college to redefine my interests.
I got braces--and I finally got used to having them!
I'm continuing to practice yoga--still working on not falling asleep on the mat.
I've grown comfortable speaking to my grandparents in Spanish.
I got my math mojo to work again!
I am inevitably clumsy. *sigh*
Motivation of FearlessNESS
While I was in my first semester (took me a while to stop saying quarter) at Mt. SAC, I took two Math classes and a Spanish class. I had enrolled back in college with the intentions of becoming a Registered Nurse because I wanted to have a successful and promising future. And now that I look back to the day I set my mind on that idea, I was proud of myself--and not delusional--for staying committed to this plan. I didn't give up or tell myself it was impossible for someone with an artistic background to find a place in the field of science. During this time, I had silenced the voice that spoke of the what-ifs, the imagine-ifs, and all the crazy stories I'd make up in my mind. For once, I was only concerned about passing College Algebra. I didn't want to overwhelm myself with the reality of what lied ahead.
I worked super hard every day! I studied and lived like a hermit crab to avoid any distractions of reaching my goal.
It wasn't until I made a required appointment to see a counselor where I rediscovered my true desires. In about an hour, he helped me express what I really want to do in life. He didn't necessarily talk me out of Nursing, he simply opened my eyes and explained why I should be brave and do what I really want for myself. I remember him saying, "I'm not saying you can't succeed in the Nursing program. I'm just saying it's really competitive. Some of these people are just naturally good at math and science. For you it'll be like learning to write with your left hand and competing with someone who's been left-handed their whole life." He was kind enough to introduce me to the pathways that I can take since I told him I've always considered having a career in the entertainment/television/film industry. I spoke to him in December, and since then, it's mostly all I've thought about! Oddly enough, my Spanish teacher said something similar. I've always known I had a telling face, but who knew my physical and prose style of writing spoke volumes about my personality as well. She told me she could tell I was creative and a perfectionist. I instantly liked her 10 times more for reinforcing my unspoken thoughts.
I want to be fearless not for 2015, but because it's 2015 I want to be fearless!
January goals: write. post. work. live. breathe. read. be daring.
